There are so many different lists claiming to
reveal the telltale signs of a cheating spouse
that it is hard to know what to believe. More
importantly, the problem with providing such
lists is that any specific behavior is always
open to more than one interpretation. For
instance, does your spouse’s sudden wardrobe
change indicate a cheating heart or the desire
to get the next promotion at work? In reality,
the real reason underlying any behavior is
usually difficult to determine.
And to make
matters more complicated, the lists that have
been produced typically employ a shot-gun
approach. That is, identify every possible “sign
of cheating” that could exist and create a
laundry list of cues. Such lists tend to
overwhelm a suspicious spouse, leaving him or
her in a more heightened state of anxiety.
What is often missing from these lists is
some thought or consideration about how our
intimate relationships work. With a little work,
it is possible to draw upon research on romantic
relationships and create different lists of cues
all tailored to different circumstances. In
other words, based on what we know about
relational dynamics, what types of cues are more
likely to emerge in different types of
relationships? For example, what types of cues
are likely to emerge when you spouse is having
an emotional affair versus when you spouse is
considering leaving you?
By analyzing the cues that have been
identified we have created five different sets
of cues that are likely to emerge in different
types of situations.
Sexual Infidelity Only - No
emotional Involvement
A few possible warning signs:
- Unexplained discovery or loss of
clothing items
- Unaccounted for loss of time
- Unaccounted for use of
contraceptives or ED meds
Polite Disengagement –
Spouse is relatively happy with your
relationship, but more in love with someone
else, and he/she is considering leaving you.
A few possible warning signs:
- Less excitement to see you
- May seem reluctant to make future
commitments
- Noticeably polite and courteous
- Less talk or sharing of feelings
- Less passionate sex
Hostile Disengagement –
Spouse is unhappy with your relationship, more
in love with someone else, and he/she is
considering leaving you.
A few possible warning signs:
- More critical, hostile, and angry
- May refuse to have sex
- More conflict over money, finances
- Refuses to make future commitments
- Disinterest in things around the
house
Confused Engagement – Spouse
is equally in love with you and someone else and
he/she does not know what to do.
A few possible warning signs:
- Drastic mood swings
- Exaggerated displays of affection
followed by quiet periods
- Sex may be more emotional and
intense
- May seem distracted, caught day
dreaming
- Sudden change in interests and
habits
Feeling Trapped – Spouse is
in love with someone else but feels that he/she
cannot leave you.
A few possible warning signs:
- May seem annoyed, frustrated
- Does own thing with little concern
or regard for you
- Sudden need for space, privacy
- Erratic changes in work schedule
- May miss or cancel events planned
with you
Again, it is helpful to point out that even
these more targeted signs of cheating are not
without their problems. Warning signs of
cheating should not be confused with proof of
infidelity.
Timothy Cole, PhD. For more information on
the warning signs of cheating and infidelity,
see
http://www.truthaboutdeception.com
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